The 25th of February.
A date in the diary etched on my mind for all the wrong reasons.
Today marks 9 years since my Father suddenly passed away with no warning or preparation for such horrendous moment.
Slumped in my university dorm letting out a scream and tears of what I can only describe as pure raw pain, one that I can’t relate to anything else. I’ll never forget it.
I don’t think you can begin to put into words what the feeling of finding out someone so loved and so close to you (in my case my father) has suddenly passed away.
Ever had one of those dreams where you are free falling and wake up in sudden shock when you land and then have the relief it was a dream?
Well the words ‘your dad has passed away’ was like I had been shoved out of a plane at 15,000 feet but without a parachute and as I hit ground beneath me it was the impact of overwhelming grief and pain that cut through every barrier in place, this wasn’t a dream.
So 9 years on without that Father figure in my life and there is so much to reflect on and to be thankful for amongst the wrestle of moments that grief rears it’s ugly head.
No joke, one minute I’m tucking into a plate of food in a restaurant and somehow it evokes a memory of Dad and I’m crying across the table to Naomi in a packed restaurant, it really does come out of no where sometimes. Funny old thing grief.
So here I am experiencing fatherhood for the first time and slowly beginning to understand what my Father must of experienced five times over with four older sisters and then finally a son! (Matthew means ‘Gift From God’, what can I say guys? I rocked up at the right time ha!)
We didn’t often speak about his experience of parenting as that was an aspect on my life that was so distant when he was alive, I was just soaking up the quality time we often spent on the golf course and travelling the length of the country following our beloved Wolverhampton Wanderers every weekend.
That is something I had in abundance as my Father retired early in my teens and we had so many opportunities to be together which allowed us to form the tightest of bonds. We’d share a lot together and he was fierce in his protection of me including the odd incredibly embarrassing moments he’d march into school to take on the school bully who’d be giving me hassle and banging the door down of the headmaster demanding action (I could have died from the embarrassment but looking back it makes me grin ear to ear).
It’s a beautiful thing, time. We’re caught in the moment so often going from the next thing to the next and so demanding of our parents to provide us with the next day out or new item from the shop. But time is what he gave me and time is what I cherished the most amongst the haze of life experiences he spoilt me with.
So how has that influenced me in my outlook as a new father? Well it wasn’t always that way. He worked in the City for 40 odds years leaving home early and getting home sometimes in time to tuck me and my sisters in.
1. Being Present
So the contrast of the two makes me realise that simply prioritising time with Darcey will be number 1 on my list as I bring her up. Yes we’ll have to earn enough money to live but when time and work allows me I want her childhood years to be fondly remembered because I was present.
I’ve explained before about having a strong faith and it’s often said that church ‘starts at home’. If you don’t start off by prioritising loving and spending time with your family (like in my example how God loves us) then how are we expected to go out into the world and be good people if we can’t manage it at home.
2. Being Selfless
It’s often said to expecting parents ‘you’ll have to learn to put them before yourselves’. But there is putting them before yourself out of requirement and desperately going out of your way to enable your children to be provided for both practically and emotionally through a selfless mental attitude.
It’s something I’ve taken on board from my Father, he always went above and beyond to ensure me and my sisters were happy and supported in everything that we did. It may have left him in some sticky patches to make that happen but there his love really shone through.
Now being an adult with bills to pay and a child to care for I appreciate some of the sacrifices he and my Mum must of made.
3. Being Trustworthy
Perhaps not an obvious one and perhaps something that should be a given in any parent but let me explain.
It was at Universal Studios in Florida where the saying really came to light, ‘Trust Me’ he would say repeatedly as we stepped onto the next scary ride.
He would always say this ahead of anything we were fearful as children, a new experience or the first day at a new school. ‘Trust Me’ would be the first words that would come out his mouth. A sense of absolute reassurance that he wouldn’t lead us towards any sense of risk or danger. He had the path covered and we began to learn that.
I take such value out of that and want Darcey to grow knowing her parents can be trusted to help her make the right decisions, to help map out her life and keep her best interests at heart.
It gave me such security always feeling safe, secure and looked after in my moments of weakness. One look up, the glint in his eye and the words ‘Trust Me’ would come back at me.
There is so much more I could say about what I’ll incorporate from the way my Father bought me up into my experience as a Father but that in itself is a testament to how lucky I was.
I’m aware some that may be reading this had varying experiences from the top end of the scale to the bottom or for some no experience at all.
That in itself is enough to motivate me to be as present as possible at all times, savouring every moment as I’ve been gifted this precious and beautiful responsibility of bringing up a daughter alongside my wife.
Dad,
Thank you for everything you instilled in me as a person but also what you represented in fatherhood.
I’d be silly to try an replicate it because you’d tell me to believe in myself to do it my way having learnt from the best.
So I’ll give it my best shot.
This ones for you.
x
p.s Wolves are 8th in the bloody Premier League and bossing it! Who would have thought!
Fearless Fathers 