Fearless Fathers

Now let’s get down to it.

I’m a Christian.

Hardly a shock if you follow me on Instagram (@matthew_rayner if you fancy seeing my face more and hearing more about my faith).

I’m keen for people to know that I believe in God, not because I want to lob a Bible at you but because you know that feeling when you hear some really exciting news and you want to tell everyone about it? Yeah, that’s it. That’s what my faith is to me and my hope and desire is that you discover it for yourself one day (don’t worry I won’t come knocking on your door like a JW, well I might for a LOL).

Without boring you silly with my testimony (Christian terminology for how they came to believe in God) I will give you a bit of a background just so you know why I came to the conclusion we aren’t here by chance but we have a divine creator… not getting too Chrizzo on you yet am I?!

My parents took us to church as kids and that was that really, no issues. I knew what they believed in and that was great but what was greater to me at about the age of 14 was the chance to slog a cricket ball around a cricket pitch on my Sunday mornings and that naturally swayed me away from Church.

Not much thought was given to it until I met Naomi (my best pal, then girlfriend and now wife) on the college bus who invited me to a party and the agreement was ‘anyone who wants to stay over has to come to church in the morning’. Being a teenage boy at the time my thought process was ‘I fancy her, it’s a party and I’m sure I can sneak out in the morning’. Just to clarify boys and girls did not share rooms-naturally!!

Wrong my friends. My Dad even refused to pick me up so there I was trudging reluctantly into Church with Naomi and her girl pals.

But I was instantly amazed by the amount of friends she had who were THE SAME AGE! I thought we’d be strolling into what replicated an old people’s home with a few songs and pews.

Wrong again my friends, there was such life and enthusiasm for something greater than the day to day. I was instantly captivated by this (ok and the fact I wanted to be around Naomi more… let’s not make it 100% supernatural). But I wanted to know more.

Before I knew it there I was stood in a muddy field with huge ‘big top’ tents surrounding by thousands and thousands of young people from church youth groups around the UK at a huge festival called Soul Survivor. So many of the talks I heard and the songs I sang began to give me a heart shift and a realisation that there was something in this, these people weren’t the nutty stereotypical Christians I had imagined in my head but more importantly I was encountering something utterly profound, personal and life changing.

That’s how I became a Christian. Quite frankly there’s been bumps along the way. But where there has been bumps there have been monumental highs that have cemented my faith. The biggest being the loss of my Dad through which I had several incredible encounters of God that allowed me to feel an amazing sense of peace throughout the most turbulent time in my life.

I realised the church wasn’t what I thought it was but it was a family that got around my family in the most loving way. People came to sit with us, pray with us and cook for us amongst a multitude of other things. The selflessness on display was in itself something that will stick with me forever.

So I’m hoping it gives you a slight understanding of why I believe in God and why this shapes everything in my life.

How does this affect being a father? Well, working for a huge church (htb.org check them out, great people) I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by quite a few other young fathers and it has been hugely encouraging to have an open dialogue with them about the good bits and the hard bits of fatherhood so far.

Part of being a Christian is having this wider family of people who are totally for you. This has been so encouraging knowing friends are praying for us and for Darcey. We’ve seen difficult parts of the first few months ease after prayer, we truly believe in the power of prayer and that God has an impact in our lives when we lay down ours for him.

Within my faith I’ve realised how selfish I was (and can still be!) and that my thoughts and actions were always Matthew first. But believing in a God and desiring to praise him for blessing me with so much and for being constant in the harder times has allowed me to do a 180 and realise that this life isn’t solely about me.

This has transferred into being a Father, it exposes you so quickly. It highlights your weaknesses and tests you in ways you never thought existed. Suddenly you realise that putting this tiny little human before anything else is all that matters (especially in those first few weeks when it feels 24/7).

Naomi and I made the decision to get Darcey Christened (child baptism). Not because we are strict Christian parents who will not accept anything but Darcey to believe in God but as a declaration over her life and to God that we desire for her to experience a relationship with him like we have.

Whilst it was lovely to have a party and to celebrate we really believe that it was significantly powerful spiritual moment between God and Darcey and that she’ll come to know that in her own time.

It’s so much easier typing this up than having a conversation with you about it, I don’t have to pretend I haven’t seen your awkward reaction when I’ve said something that may come across as completely loopy but it’s hard sometimes being a Christian Dad in conversation with other men especially and Dads who don’t share the same faith.

It’s hard because today the world we live in paints a bad picture of the church and of Christians. People associate it with Religion (hate that word), war, child abuse, judgement, rules and fairy tales. This often puts a huge smoke screen of what it’s actually all about.

A father who made the ultimate sacrifice to give up his only son so that we could be eternity forgiven for what we get wrong and to receive an everlasting love. (Again, bonkers when you say it out loud but if I could transfer my experience of encounter onto a screen I would love to!)

I take that into being a Father, knowing that Darcey will make mistakes, she may turn in the opposite direction to the way I may desire her to go and oppose me in opinion and perhaps life choices. That is part and parcel of life and parenting.

But I will with all my heart contest in prayer that she knows she is loved not just by her parents but by a God that is for her and has a perfect plan for her life. The real comfort is knowing that the love God has for her is perfect. Myself and Naomi will fall desperately short at times in the way we parent. We may row in front of Darcey or be short with her one day because we’ve had a long day at work but God doesn’t fall short.

I also desire that Darcey will not only know she’s loved but by knowing whose she is (we’d use the term: a child of God) then she will not seek to just pursue the way culture desires us to live our lives which ultimately often revolves around ourselves and what others perception of us is but she would know she’s been created for a greater purpose during a time such as this and would go against the grain of culture and hugely impact those around her.

See being a Father of faith and knowing the truths that I believe the bible teaches means that I have confidence that whatever life may bring our way and Darcey’s way we have someone who knows the reasons for it and therefore we are not called to sit and worry (easier said than done I know!).

This may come across as lofty and off the mark but God has done too much in my life and Naomi’s for us to just stand back and say some of it was coincidence, some of it was luck, some of it was ‘meant to be’ but actually when we track back over our lives to the point of being parents it’s evident he had a plan for us that was better than any plan we could of written.

For that reason we will be parents of faith and will always have our door open to those who want to chat, debate, agree, disagree or respectfully not talk about it.

Let me leave you with a well known verse that I often come back to.

Jeremiah 29:11 says ‘For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.‘

Big love to you all!

Matthew

In the first few weeks after Darcey was born I overheard someone ask Matthew what the most difficult thing was about having a newborn, and he replied ‘definitely the feeding’. I found that so strange! We were solely breast feeding so as the ‘one with the boobs’ I wondered why it was so hard for him. 

I now understand it was the only thing he couldn’t help with at a time when I was at my weakest, but also it was feeding that dictated our days and nights. (And still does to some degree)

Feeding a newborn is a mind field and I definitely wasn’t prepared for how quickly everything changes!

We were really lucky that Darcey took to breast feeding well, but in the first week or so I still needed some reassurance so we popped into our local breast feeding clinic which was valuable.  The health visitor basically watched me feed and gave me some pointers.

Lots of friends have asked if it hurts, my experience is that it’s strange and maybe uncomfortable to begin with but you soon get used to it, as do your nipples! But until then lather on that cream!

Darcey used to feed for up to an hour at a time! With about an hour and a half gap between feeds! This gradually got better, she was a little and often girl though and I was told that a newborn cannot overeat so if she’s asking for it always feed her.

Something I wish someone had advised me was to offer a bottle regularly once breast feeding was established. We were told by good old google not to offer a bottle until atleast 12 weeks as it may affect her ability to breast feed. So week 12 I was all prepared with my pump and bottles, only to find that there was no way this little lady was going to take them!! We persevered for a couple of months. 

Then a friend casually asked of we had moved on to teet size 3 yet? I had no idea what this meant but evidently babies use different size teets depending on their age- who knew?! After months of struggling Darcey then took the bottle! She still only tolerated it for a few minutes but after another few weeks of perseverance she then took a whole feed! 

Again good old google suggested that she should be taking a lot more than she was initially but breast feeding babies often take a while to up their intake and have bigger gaps between feeds.

She’s now taking most feeds from the bottle with typically two breast feeds a day. And it is so freeing to finally be able to leave her for longer and for Matthew to help with some feeds. We are on to formula now as I’m back to work soon.

Note on formula – apparently the government rules on formulas ingredients is so strict that they all contain the same thing, so we are using Aldi’s which is much cheaper.

We are also weaning. We started at around 5 1/2 months as she was desperately trying to get hold of our food. We found it also helped with teething. At the moment she has a mixture of purée and finger foods. I purée at the weekends and freeze individual portion as well as buying ready made packs.

Portion sizes are more or less led by her, she has breakfast and dinner with a snack at lunch.

I am glad I invested in some decent feeding bras but found most nursing clothing to be a faff and ended up wearing vest tops under everything which was easier to manage. 

I’ve been breast feeding for almost 7 months now and am ready to move on and not have to wear accessible clothing anymore!! If you’ve just started then be reassured time passes quickly and you will soon have some of your independence back. 

We are still learning and this is just what worked for us, but I thought I’d jot something down as I wish I’d had some of this information earlier. There seems to be a lot of stigma around feeding so most accounts I follow tend not to share their experience very openly, I hope this helps someone.

Thanks for reading!

Naomi x

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ – Theodore Rosevelt

This quote may be a familiar one to you or perhaps it’s the first time you’ve heard it and it suddenly resonates with you.

Since entering the world of parenting I’ve had to remind myself of this quote numerous times.

Not only do we live in a world that is a constant comparison in person and across social media which is an ever growing epidemic especially amongst the younger generation. We begin to pick apart others to build ourselves back up and in reverse, our own mental image of ourselves plummets when we see something before us that appears to be better looking, more powerful or popular.

This world of comparison is very much evident within the world parenting and especially new parents.

In the build up to Darcey being born we must have been told 100 different ways to care for her, items to purchase for her and timings in her life that for example she must be sleeping through the night or have finished breast feeding by. Whilst I appreciate those who had gone before me giving me a heads up, it was quite exhausting and relentless at times and in all honesty this was the only thing that really built any anxiety about her arrival for myself. How would we get it all right so quickly?

Personally in my own life before becoming a parent I battled hugely with comparison of myself to others. From my appearance, school grades, friendship groups, sporting ability, love life, and the list continues. The constant comparison knocked my confidence in a lot of those areas for six.

The joy in my life began to disappear on so many occasions purely because I was so fixated on others and not understanding that what I already had was enough.

As a Christian my faith has shaped my understanding of who I believe I was made to be, helping me to come to a greater peace and choosing joy over comparison. However now finding myself in a brand new unknown world of being a parent it was so easy for those thoughts of comparison to creep back in.

There are times in parenting I’ve felt myself slip into wondering ‘are we doing it all right?!’. I am aware of the irony as I have a fathers Instagram page but we are now surrounded by perfect images and social media pages of parents that have the latest products, clothing and what appears to be the perfect environment for their child to grow up in.

There are very few images of the multiple times their baby has been sick in the day or the nappy that has ruined a whole outfit moments after being dressed or the days that they cry and are inconsolable due to teething. We have a responsibility as parents to show the honest picture to avoid others feeling inadequate.

With this accessible online world of parenting we are bombarded with information of how to bring up our child. You only have to type in a question to Goggle and there will be 100’s of variations on how to sleep train your baby, how to feed your baby, how to wash your baby and the list continues.

I’ve probably lost count of the times myself and Naomi have said ‘I was chatting to *other parent* today and they said they did it like this’. Now, I’m all for healthy dialogue but let us not become down beat when their way doesn’t work for ourselves.

We will trap ourselves in moments of comparison of ‘they seem to be doing it well, why isn’t it working for us’.

Let me give you an honest example from our journey over the last six months. When offering Darcey a bottle, whether breast milk or formula, she wasn’t having any of it. We have persisted for months but she simply would not take it.

Then you see parents whose babies are drinking from the bottle from the first few weeks with no problem. Which in turn allows so much more freedom for the mother to rest from the constant demand of feeds and allows flexibility with day to day tasks.

At times our joy of parenting was taken away wondering what we were doing wrong and what we could do to overcome this.

The truth is there was no magic formula, we weren’t doing anything wrong. Our babies journey was just different to others. There was SO much joy to be had with everything else she was doing but this one mole hill was such an easy distraction.

What I’m getting at is that we must focus on the joy that your child brings to your life and understand that all parents will be having equal frustrations in different areas but it doesn’t make any of us better experts than others.

Quit the competing and comparison game and enter the encouragement and empowering world of parenting. When we think we have the worlds best solution to something for another parent, let us be gentle in our approach rather than bombarding them with another product or article as what they are probably looking for is reassurance and encouragement they are doing a good job.

We have one of the best gifts this world can give us, if we as parents look to one-another and drop the comparison and start to ask more about how they are doing and keep dialogue healthy and realise we are all giving it our best shot then we will begin to reap the rewards of watching our little ones develop and grow at their own pace and in their own time.

There is something beautiful about this world and how we are all different and that is the same with our children. Embrace it, take joy from it and next time you see that child having a breakdown in the coffee shop when your baby is having s good day, give the parent a smile of encouragement as we all know it’ll probably be us next time.

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Thanks for taking the time to read once again!

Big love,

Matthew

The 25th of February.

A date in the diary etched on my mind for all the wrong reasons.

Today marks 9 years since my Father suddenly passed away with no warning or preparation for such horrendous moment.

Slumped in my university dorm letting out a scream and tears of what I can only describe as pure raw pain, one that I can’t relate to anything else. I’ll never forget it.

I don’t think you can begin to put into words what the feeling of finding out someone so loved and so close to you (in my case my father) has suddenly passed away.

Ever had one of those dreams where you are free falling and wake up in sudden shock when you land and then have the relief it was a dream?

Well the words ‘your dad has passed away’ was like I had been shoved out of a plane at 15,000 feet but without a parachute and as I hit ground beneath me it was the impact of overwhelming grief and pain that cut through every barrier in place, this wasn’t a dream.

So 9 years on without that Father figure in my life and there is so much to reflect on and to be thankful for amongst the wrestle of moments that grief rears it’s ugly head.

No joke, one minute I’m tucking into a plate of food in a restaurant and somehow it evokes a memory of Dad and I’m crying across the table to Naomi in a packed restaurant, it really does come out of no where sometimes. Funny old thing grief.

So here I am experiencing fatherhood for the first time and slowly beginning to understand what my Father must of experienced five times over with four older sisters and then finally a son! (Matthew means ‘Gift From God’, what can I say guys? I rocked up at the right time ha!)

We didn’t often speak about his experience of parenting as that was an aspect on my life that was so distant when he was alive, I was just soaking up the quality time we often spent on the golf course and travelling the length of the country following our beloved Wolverhampton Wanderers every weekend.

That is something I had in abundance as my Father retired early in my teens and we had so many opportunities to be together which allowed us to form the tightest of bonds. We’d share a lot together and he was fierce in his protection of me including the odd incredibly embarrassing moments he’d march into school to take on the school bully who’d be giving me hassle and banging the door down of the headmaster demanding action (I could have died from the embarrassment but looking back it makes me grin ear to ear).

It’s a beautiful thing, time. We’re caught in the moment so often going from the next thing to the next and so demanding of our parents to provide us with the next day out or new item from the shop. But time is what he gave me and time is what I cherished the most amongst the haze of life experiences he spoilt me with.

So how has that influenced me in my outlook as a new father? Well it wasn’t always that way. He worked in the City for 40 odds years leaving home early and getting home sometimes in time to tuck me and my sisters in.

1. Being Present

So the contrast of the two makes me realise that simply prioritising time with Darcey will be number 1 on my list as I bring her up. Yes we’ll have to earn enough money to live but when time and work allows me I want her childhood years to be fondly remembered because I was present.

I’ve explained before about having a strong faith and it’s often said that church ‘starts at home’. If you don’t start off by prioritising loving and spending time with your family (like in my example how God loves us) then how are we expected to go out into the world and be good people if we can’t manage it at home.

2. Being Selfless

It’s often said to expecting parents ‘you’ll have to learn to put them before yourselves’. But there is putting them before yourself out of requirement and desperately going out of your way to enable your children to be provided for both practically and emotionally through a selfless mental attitude.

It’s something I’ve taken on board from my Father, he always went above and beyond to ensure me and my sisters were happy and supported in everything that we did. It may have left him in some sticky patches to make that happen but there his love really shone through.

Now being an adult with bills to pay and a child to care for I appreciate some of the sacrifices he and my Mum must of made.

3. Being Trustworthy

Perhaps not an obvious one and perhaps something that should be a given in any parent but let me explain.

It was at Universal Studios in Florida where the saying really came to light, ‘Trust Me’ he would say repeatedly as we stepped onto the next scary ride.

He would always say this ahead of anything we were fearful as children, a new experience or the first day at a new school. ‘Trust Me’ would be the first words that would come out his mouth. A sense of absolute reassurance that he wouldn’t lead us towards any sense of risk or danger. He had the path covered and we began to learn that.

I take such value out of that and want Darcey to grow knowing her parents can be trusted to help her make the right decisions, to help map out her life and keep her best interests at heart.

It gave me such security always feeling safe, secure and looked after in my moments of weakness. One look up, the glint in his eye and the words ‘Trust Me’ would come back at me.

There is so much more I could say about what I’ll incorporate from the way my Father bought me up into my experience as a Father but that in itself is a testament to how lucky I was.

I’m aware some that may be reading this had varying experiences from the top end of the scale to the bottom or for some no experience at all.

That in itself is enough to motivate me to be as present as possible at all times, savouring every moment as I’ve been gifted this precious and beautiful responsibility of bringing up a daughter alongside my wife.

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Dad,

Thank you for everything you instilled in me as a person but also what you represented in fatherhood.

I’d be silly to try an replicate it because you’d tell me to believe in myself to do it my way having learnt from the best.

So I’ll give it my best shot.

This ones for you.

x

p.s Wolves are 8th in the bloody Premier League and bossing it! Who would have thought!

Meet Naomi. My wife, best friend and now incredible mother to our first child.

We’ve been together for 10 years since the sweet young days of sixth form college and married for the last two and a half. We’ve experienced so much together already in life but this was always going to be our biggest adventure and challenge yet.

The point of ‘Mothers View’ is to give a glimpse of who I’m on this journey with and quite frankly would be lost without, so it was really important to me Naomi gave her insight as well.

Enjoy!

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Domestic disputes within the Rayner household (I know total shocker) typically always boil down to the same thing: one of us has momentarily stopped thinking as a team member. Over the last ten years we’ve learnt that we are so much better together, and this parenting malarkey is no different.

Matthew asked me to write a blog about my expectations of a modern father, although we both have different strengths and weaknesses it’s 2019 and my expectations are of team Rayner rather than individual team members. I also want to raise a young lady who knows that men and women are equally capable of parenting and long gone are the days of parenting duties automatically falling to the mother- thank God. Because that would be seriously short changing our daughter!

I’m also aware that I’m only nine weeks into this mad journey so am figuring things out each day but here is what I’ve found useful and not so useful so far…

Be present. We found that time as a three (or more), especially in those early weeks is so important, it overcomes FOMO, makes the whole thing seem a lot less scary and helps you get to know your baby and their individual needs. We were both complete novices 9 weeks ago, but learning together has been fun and reassuring.

Matthew added a few extra weeks holiday onto his paternity leave and it made all the difference, I felt supported and more prepared when he eventually returned to work and he had a realistic idea of what it’s like being at home all day with a newborn. We now totally appreciate each other’s day to day roles. So if you have the option I’d recommend extending your leave.

The simplest of things are now far more difficult so tackling that first food shop (I had a full on melt down in Aldi’s car park and was very grateful that Matthew was there) and trips out together prepared me for what was to come. It took most of that time just for me to get to grips with the car seat and buggy saga!

Talk. Anyone who knows us knows neither of us typically struggle with this! But time with a newborn seems to vanish and before you know it another week has passed without you checking in with each other. We’ve started scoring each day out of 10, explaining why we have chosen our score.

It also prevents every conversation completely revolving around your new baby. You’ve both had a lot of change to deal with so talking each day through helps you to support each other.

No matter what your partners birth experience looked like there’s still a lot going on in her body in the following weeks and months. Recovery takes time that’s why she and the baby will have so many appointments after the birth, so being present at some of the appointment or talking them through afterwards will help you both to understand where she’s at.

Create your own new normal. Over the first few weeks we got to know Darcey and figured out what was going to work for her (and us) was not always what we had previously imagined. For example she screamed every time she was put down for a good few weeks, so I had to co sleep and Matthew was relegated (or promoted depending on how you look at it) to the spare room. If you’d told me a few months ago this was going to happen I wouldn’t have believed you! The good news for anyone still at this stage is that she now typically settles in her cot for up to 4-5 hours at a time. (still occasionally co sleeping for a few hours).

I’m sure if we had another child it would be completely different again. We had to work out what was right for her. Everyone is oh so happy to impart their advice on you but they don’t know your baby and it’s very likely that what works for you isn’t what worked for them. So smile sweetly nod and take it or leave it.

Finally having a baby is a whole new beginning so you get to decide what kind of a parent you want to be. But you’re also demonstrating the role of husband/wife/partner to your baby. So we’re trying to approach each aspect as a team from household chores, changing nappies to sleep. That doesn’t mean it’s always equal some nights I could kill to be in the spare room and sleep, but I’m breast feeding and I’d rather one of us rested so that I can have some rest the following day and Matthew can take on nappy and entertainer duties.

Our new normal is also changing week to week as she changes. The first few weeks our aim was just to survive but now she’s smiling and in some sort of routine (for now!) so we are focusing on enjoying this new stage as it’s already clear that it passes very quickly!

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I hope you enjoy that as much as I did!

Follow @naomi_rayner to keep up to date with all things team Rayner from her side.

Thanks as always for reading and there is more to come from Naomi so keep an eye out!

For now

Big love,

From both of us

Welcome back!

I’ve loved writing the blog posts so far but I really do get so much satisfaction hearing from other Fathers and hearing about their experiences. You suddenly don’t feel so alone in the experience!

I first met Josh through some mutual church friends and we spent a lot of our social lives in our late teens and early 20’s overlapping through the same group of mates.

Church and faith is a huge part to both our lives (will blog about this at some point!) and therefore we tend to either be at the same church event or festival especially in the summer months which is often our chance to catch up.

I’ve always had a strong respect from afar for the way Josh’s faith has stayed a firm part of who he is and how it’s navigated him through life. With that it’s been so exciting to see him and his wife Molly as they bring up their first child.

Josh is the sort of guy I wish I was around more but we’re straight back into conversation as soon as we see each other either about football (he is an Arsenal fan, poor bloke) or now about fatherhood!

Here’s what Josh had to say about some of the questions I fired over to him…

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Tell us a bit about yourself?

Hi, I’m Josh, I’m married to Molly and last year we welcomed Joey (Joseph William Robert) into the world! We love living near the coast in St Leonards-on-Sea, East Sussex.

When did you decide you wanted children? How did the conversation go?

We spoke about it early on in our relationship. People’s opinion on whether to have children or not can of course change over time, but we felt it was important that before investing in the relationship for the long-term that we knew that was something eachother wanted so that when the time came that we could both be confident on what the decision would be rather than a potentially difficult conversation. Turns out we were both really sure we wanted to be parents!

What was the biggest challenge during your partners pregnancy?

Sickness and dealing with hot weather! Molly’s pregnancy coincided with one of the hottest Summer’s ever which of course made things uncomfortable.

Molly experienced a lot of sickness, some routinely, some unexpected. The latter is more difficult to cope with because just like we discovered with babies, it can happen anytime, anywhere!

Any unexpected experiences while they were pregnant?

Holiday! We went away together over our anniversary and had a great few days in Bath and the west country, all whilst 8 months pregnant. I suppose I thought that this wasn’t going to be possible but it was such a quality time and that was great for both us.

What’s your best bit of advice to support your partner during pregnancy?

Be kind. Pregnancy isn’t easy, so be as helpful and encouraging as you can possibly be. It’s good training for parenting as your needs really don’t come first anymore so keep yourself in check with your spouse to make sure you’re doing the best job you can. By no means did I get this right all the time, but I wish someone had given me a bit of boot and told me this straight up at the start.

Describe your emotions and thoughts when Molly went into labour?

You can’t really compare it to anything else as it is the most phenomenal combination of feelings, all underpinned by joy.

There’s different feelings at different stages and differences between feelings towards Mum and baby in that situation.

Ultimately trust as much you possibly can in God (If that’s your thing) that no matter what happens, it’s going to be ok and again that the next hours are not about you whatsoever, it’s about welcoming a new life into the world and being with your spouse every step of the way.

Did it meet your expectations?

Practically, I suppose so, emotionally no. From our experience, I am so thankful that I live in a country where I get to contribute to funding a healthcare system full of public servants who’s soul aim is to see Mums and babies flourish.

My hopeful expectation was that this would be the case and it was! Molly couldn’t have wished for a better midwife and she felt cared for the whole time.

Emotionally, you can’t get close to the describing it really. Loads of parents said to me before it happened that being a parent is just the ‘best thing’ and straight away you get what they mean. By no coincidence or accident, there you both are seeing a product of God being brought into the world after 9 months of intricate growing and developing. The sudden rush of elation and sky-high happiness that follows is literally amazing.

How was the first couple of weeks at home on paternity leave?

Also the best thing. It was so great to be a part of transitioning into home life with Joey and Molls without the distraction of work. It meant that we could have quality time altogether, spending time with friends and family as they all doted over little Joe.

We were also very fortunate as our incredible community at church brought us round dinner each night for 3 weeks which was such a blessing as it meant more time concentrating on each other and less time in the kitchen. It’s a time full of firsts and it’s tough when it ends so get off your phone and cherish every moment of it as it flys by.

What are you views on the amount of time you could have off? Did you want more?

It would have been great to have more but for us it wouldn’t have been possible. Plus I think it’s good to have an element of routine and normality for what life will be like so you can make that adjustment, rather than postpone it for too long.

How has having a child impacted your relationship with your partner?

I was at a Christian festival in the summer in a seminar about relationships and they used an analogy of relationships needing to be like a train track; parallel lines moving forward in the same direction, not pulling off in different directions for whatever reason. That doesn’t mean you’re carbon copies of eachother but your values, beliefs, communication, action etc are working in tandom.

Having a child is like adding an extra line of track or a trailer to a tandom bike. You have to work together, through that and the deep joy of having brought a little life into the world your relationship organically deepens.

But, the world does not then revolve around your baby. If it does then your relationship falls second and you cannot parent as effectively because yo won’t be doing it as a a close team, singing from the same hymn sheet. It’s more difficult practically but do what you can do have dates, and quality time together, don’t think you have to leave the house and get a babysitter for that to happen.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s been moments of frustrations on all parts, it’s only natural, we’re humans experiencing the biggest life event, but those moments are far surpassed by the deeper level of closeness, companionship and shared joy.

What’s your main source of support now that you’re a father?

Where a lot of new families would rely closely on new grandparents we are different from that as we live 2 hours away from ours. However, despite the distance they are only a WhatsApp message/video call away and visit regularly which is great.

We are really fortunate in that we have some great selfless friends who live really close by so that is ideal really.

Through doing NCT Molly has made some quality friends in the same situation so that was well worth doing.

The toughest part so far of fatherhood?

Spinning plates. Matt said it really well in his blog on perspective. My default answer to this would be it’s really hard to maintain your performance at work and home with the addition of another life to sustain.

But really it’s just about adjusting and sometime that is harder or takes longer than you expect, but that is ok! The change of perspective means that work falls lower down the priority list and that is something to embrace. Your perspective on life shifts and that is a gift, not a limitation!

What are the best bits?

Smiles, cuddles, missile poos, funny bath noises, bouncy chair enthusiasm, sleep, sterilising bottles, fiddly car seats, recognising faces and coming home from work! It’s all great.

Now that you’re a parent and have experienced the first few months. What do you wish someone had told you before having your child?

Obviously we didn’t know everything there is to know and very much still don’t but, after 9 months of a lot of chat with people and each other all about babies, I feel like most stones had been unturned. I suppose maybe just that it goes really fast, I mean really fast!

One minute they’re sleeping all the time, next they’re in a bouncy chair, rolling over and sitting upright and you think, what happened to that tiny cherub that was only a forearm in length!

Lastly, explain what being a father means to you?

Big question. It is a total privilege. I’m a teacher, and I teach because I want generational cycles of low aspiration, low attainment and deprivation to reverse. If I think of parenting in the same way, being a Father means to show Joey that he is loved unconditionally by his Father God and by his parents and that he has been made for a unique purpose. If you have that deep level of assurance I believe that enables you to be the very best ‘you’ that you can be and consequently the world becomes a better place.

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Wow! Such an honest and refreshing account of what being a first time father looks and feels like.

I’m so grateful for Josh’s insight and I hope it’s provided you with food for thought.

If you’ve got any questions for Josh please fire away in the comments section under the Instagram post and he’ll be happy to respond!

For now, enjoy the snow and have a great weekend!

Big love,

Matthew

Someone recently asked me ‘in three words describe what you thought fatherhood would be like and now three words describe what it’s like now you’re actually a father’

One of the words I used now that I’m a father is ‘perspective’

Perspective might not be the first word that springs to mind when describing being a father. Perhaps exciting, fun, tiring or fulfilling might be more positive adjectives to describe being a father.

As previously mentioned in my first blog post I commute into London from Buckinghamshire and this often throws me into the mad commuting whirlwind of rushing and barging to be first on the train (don’t you just hate those people?!) and running like a dog on heat to make the tube before the doors slam against the poor buggers head which is always made more satisfying when they then realise their bag is caught in the door and they frantically try to drag it onto the carriage.

Anyway I’m being sidetracked by my detest of people in a rush. But that is it isn’t it? We’re all ready for the next thing, the next experience, how quick can we get from A to B because God forbid we’d take into account what’s in front of us.

Having a child slows everything down. Getting through the front door with glorious day plans ahead of you and you think you’ve nailed the timings so far and Darcey’s outfit is looking on point and then a you know what happens at the precise moment you place that first food out of the door.

So there you are, delayed by 15 minutes as you clean, change, redress into the second choice outfit and you’re back underway. But funnily enough in those slightly less flattering moments as a parent you see those two little deep eyes staring up at you, locked onto you and suddenly life pausing seems ok when something you beautifully made lovingly looks back at you.

What am I chasing after anyway? More importantly the question is who am I chasing after it for?

Since having Darcey my mind has slowed down but not in a way to my detriment, I’m still doing my job the same as before and I haven’t literally physically slowed down to walk like a snail (well slightly when the 5.30am alarm goes off).

However I’m pausing to look around me and to take in what in my opinion God has gifted to me. A wife who is selfless to ensure her husband and baby feel loved. By slowing down and pausing has allowed me to really grasp how quickly this incredible creation is developing from the smile and interaction to how clever and intelligent she already is as she navigates this mad world around her.

An interview between a reporter and a Lithuanian basketball coach blew up on the internet in the last week as the reporter questioned the decision of one of the players to go home from a competition to see the birth of his first child.

The way the coach responded encapsulates some of the points I’m trying to make.

What are we placing between us and what really matters? Work? Bad habits? The wrong people?

So let me throw down a challenge to you today.

What does your life look like? Is 2019 going to be the year that you are going after that salary raise? Job promotion? Out to prove the haters wrong?

What if 2019 was the year you bought some perspective to your life. Just stopped a few more times in your day to appreciate how well you are in fact doing in this rat race of a world whilst having an additional life/lives under your roof to help nurture.

Parents, give yourself a break. You are doing the hardest yet most rewarding job this world can offer which in comparison to anything else the world can offer us will stand the test of time of providing you with fulfilment as you bring new life and raise it into something that will hopefully make this world a better place.

Have a wonderful week.

Big love,

Matthew

Welcome to the first of a new series of ‘Q&A with…’ giving a glimpse at what some of the fathers out there have got to say about their personal experience of fatherhood.

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I’m delighted to introduce James Manning to you. I’ve been lucky to know James for quite a few years from the days of working in a gym together (as you can tell from the picture he was the PT and I was the reception guy!) to someone I regularly confide in during my early experiences of being a Father.

James has shown me that despite being a beast on the rugby field (he’d probably flatten me in one tackle), lifting heavy weights and a personality that’ll fill any room with laughter he has turned into the most gentle and loving new father with his gorgeous son Jasper alongside partner Katie.

So James took some time to answer a few questions to give a little insight to his life a Father in the first few months. Here’s what he had to say…

Who are you and where do you come from?

Hi! My names James Manning, living in Holmer Green, Bucks. I work in Sales and live with my girlfriend Katie, my son Jasper and my girlfriends two girls.

What was your experience of your own father?

My dad was really strict, I remember getting hit with the slipper a few times.

But I always remember the time he spent with me though and as a kid that’s all you want.

How did this influence how you wanted to be a father?

It influenced me in a way that I wanted to make sure I am there as much as I can be around my work schedule and not be selfish with my time.

When did you know that you wanted to have children?

A year down the line with Katie we spoke about it and we started trying, luckily enough she got pregnant easily!

How did you feel when you found out you were going to have a child?

Shocked! We were in the car home from a long day and then Katie told me. Although we spoke about having children before and we were currently trying and to be honest it hit me hard, in a good way thought and I felt so emotional.

What do you wish you’d known before Jasper your son were born?

How bad babies actually sleep!

What’s been the hardest part of fatherhood so far?

I’ve got to say the lack of sleep is the toughest also trying to spend time with Katie’s girls so they don’t feel left out.

The best bits?

Seeing him smile for the first time, he was 3 weeks old at the time.

How has being a father changed your relationship with Katie?

It has made it tougher for sure, but we’re a real team I think.

The biggest surprise of fatherhood so far?

How many nappies and wipes you get through in a short space of time!

Any top tips or father hacks that might help others?

Work as a team. Put your social life on hold for a bit and don’t have too many visitors round the first two weeks.

If you could go back and tell yourself one thing before Jasper was born what would you tell yourself knowing what it’s like now?

That first smile will make you feel amazing.

Summarise in one sentence what it means to be a father?

It’s so rewarding, seeing him grow so quickly. It’s the best thing that we’ve ever done together.

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If you’ve got a question you’d like to ask James then please leave a comment in the Instagram post at @fearlessfathers and I’ll get James to answer them this week. Don’t be shy, he really doesn’t bite!

Have a great start to the week and we will return next Monday with a new Father in our series of ‘Q&A with…’.

Big love,

Matthew

Welcome and Happy New Year!

I’m so glad you’ve come to check out my first ever blog post! Whether I’ve pestered you to read it or you’re here out of pure curiosity then I hope you enjoy reading.

I’m not here to tell anyone how to be a father or mother. I’m here to open the conversation about what it REALLY looks like to be a father in todays world and to use this platform to allow other fathers to share where they are at with the journey to create a supportive community.

So let’s get to it.

FearlessFathers, what is it’s purpose? 

‘Changing the narrative of Fatherhood’ is a bold line you may say, but I really believe that peoples perceptions of what a father should be and what they think their role is is often outdated and unrealistic in how we live our lives in the world today.

I look at the whole journey from when the pregnancy is confirmed right through to when the baby is born and beyond and I believe there needs to be more accessible support and conversation between fathers. I lost count of the times I said ‘I just didn’t know about that’.

I don’t deal well with the unknown, so from the moment I knew I was going to be a father I wanted to know everything! From the best bits to the worst bits and the usual practical questions of what nappies to buy? Which is the best buggy? Will I ever sleep again? What is it really like behind the cute Instagram pictures?

If I’m honest I simply wasn’t satisfied by what I could find online and by that I mean I simply wasn’t convinced that the Instagram pages, websites and blogs gave a realistic insight into what the world of fatherhood REALLY looks like, plus I believe that the way people parent now compared to the days of my parents has dramatically changed and there are a lot of stereotypes we need to combat.

Whilst I want this to be relevant to any parent, another reason I’ve started this is because there seems to be so much content out there for mothers and I felt there needed to be a wider variety for fathers to choose from.

So by ‘changing the narrative’ I am saying we have an opportunity to place our mark on what being a father really looks and feels like, to break down those stereotypes and opinions that there is a set way to do it and be kinder to ourselves. We live in a world where the pressure of life (especially) on young people is at an all time high, due to living costs going through the roof, getting on the housing ladder subsequently being near impossible and mental health needs spiralling out of control. We don’t need any additional pressure so lets try and overcome this with open dialect and encouragement.

This is the reason behind the name ‘FearlessFathers’. Through my own personal Christian faith I have a strong belief that we were created to not to be anxious or to worry but to be confident in who we were created to be and the path ahead of us.

Therefore I want this platform to help fathers feel equipped and empowered to then be fearless about this adventure we are on or about to go on.

This is somewhere where you can feel confident to share your opinion, experience or advice to help others on this journey of fatherhood or being a parent.

I can’t wait to share more with you about my story so far over the coming weeks as we begin to delve into life as a father.

Big Love,

Matthew