Meet Naomi. My wife, best friend and now incredible mother to our first child.
We’ve been together for 10 years since the sweet young days of sixth form college and married for the last two and a half. We’ve experienced so much together already in life but this was always going to be our biggest adventure and challenge yet.
The point of ‘Mothers View’ is to give a glimpse of who I’m on this journey with and quite frankly would be lost without, so it was really important to me Naomi gave her insight as well.
Enjoy!
Domestic disputes within the Rayner household (I know total shocker) typically always boil down to the same thing: one of us has momentarily stopped thinking as a team member. Over the last ten years we’ve learnt that we are so much better together, and this parenting malarkey is no different.
Matthew asked me to write a blog about my expectations of a modern father, although we both have different strengths and weaknesses it’s 2019 and my expectations are of team Rayner rather than individual team members. I also want to raise a young lady who knows that men and women are equally capable of parenting and long gone are the days of parenting duties automatically falling to the mother- thank God. Because that would be seriously short changing our daughter!
I’m also aware that I’m only nine weeks into this mad journey so am figuring things out each day but here is what I’ve found useful and not so useful so far…
Be present. We found that time as a three (or more), especially in those early weeks is so important, it overcomes FOMO, makes the whole thing seem a lot less scary and helps you get to know your baby and their individual needs. We were both complete novices 9 weeks ago, but learning together has been fun and reassuring.
Matthew added a few extra weeks holiday onto his paternity leave and it made all the difference, I felt supported and more prepared when he eventually returned to work and he had a realistic idea of what it’s like being at home all day with a newborn. We now totally appreciate each other’s day to day roles. So if you have the option I’d recommend extending your leave.
The simplest of things are now far more difficult so tackling that first food shop (I had a full on melt down in Aldi’s car park and was very grateful that Matthew was there) and trips out together prepared me for what was to come. It took most of that time just for me to get to grips with the car seat and buggy saga!
Talk. Anyone who knows us knows neither of us typically struggle with this! But time with a newborn seems to vanish and before you know it another week has passed without you checking in with each other. We’ve started scoring each day out of 10, explaining why we have chosen our score.
It also prevents every conversation completely revolving around your new baby. You’ve both had a lot of change to deal with so talking each day through helps you to support each other.
No matter what your partners birth experience looked like there’s still a lot going on in her body in the following weeks and months. Recovery takes time that’s why she and the baby will have so many appointments after the birth, so being present at some of the appointment or talking them through afterwards will help you both to understand where she’s at.
Create your own new normal. Over the first few weeks we got to know Darcey and figured out what was going to work for her (and us) was not always what we had previously imagined. For example she screamed every time she was put down for a good few weeks, so I had to co sleep and Matthew was relegated (or promoted depending on how you look at it) to the spare room. If you’d told me a few months ago this was going to happen I wouldn’t have believed you! The good news for anyone still at this stage is that she now typically settles in her cot for up to 4-5 hours at a time. (still occasionally co sleeping for a few hours).
I’m sure if we had another child it would be completely different again. We had to work out what was right for her. Everyone is oh so happy to impart their advice on you but they don’t know your baby and it’s very likely that what works for you isn’t what worked for them. So smile sweetly nod and take it or leave it.
Finally having a baby is a whole new beginning so you get to decide what kind of a parent you want to be. But you’re also demonstrating the role of husband/wife/partner to your baby. So we’re trying to approach each aspect as a team from household chores, changing nappies to sleep. That doesn’t mean it’s always equal some nights I could kill to be in the spare room and sleep, but I’m breast feeding and I’d rather one of us rested so that I can have some rest the following day and Matthew can take on nappy and entertainer duties.
Our new normal is also changing week to week as she changes. The first few weeks our aim was just to survive but now she’s smiling and in some sort of routine (for now!) so we are focusing on enjoying this new stage as it’s already clear that it passes very quickly!
I hope you enjoy that as much as I did!
Follow @naomi_rayner to keep up to date with all things team Rayner from her side.
Thanks as always for reading and there is more to come from Naomi so keep an eye out!
For now
Big love,
From both of us
Fearless Fathers 