Welcome back!
I’ve loved writing the blog posts so far but I really do get so much satisfaction hearing from other Fathers and hearing about their experiences. You suddenly don’t feel so alone in the experience!
I first met Josh through some mutual church friends and we spent a lot of our social lives in our late teens and early 20’s overlapping through the same group of mates.
Church and faith is a huge part to both our lives (will blog about this at some point!) and therefore we tend to either be at the same church event or festival especially in the summer months which is often our chance to catch up.
I’ve always had a strong respect from afar for the way Josh’s faith has stayed a firm part of who he is and how it’s navigated him through life. With that it’s been so exciting to see him and his wife Molly as they bring up their first child.
Josh is the sort of guy I wish I was around more but we’re straight back into conversation as soon as we see each other either about football (he is an Arsenal fan, poor bloke) or now about fatherhood!
Here’s what Josh had to say about some of the questions I fired over to him…
Tell us a bit about yourself?
Hi, I’m Josh, I’m married to Molly and last year we welcomed Joey (Joseph William Robert) into the world! We love living near the coast in St Leonards-on-Sea, East Sussex.
When did you decide you wanted children? How did the conversation go?
We spoke about it early on in our relationship. People’s opinion on whether to have children or not can of course change over time, but we felt it was important that before investing in the relationship for the long-term that we knew that was something eachother wanted so that when the time came that we could both be confident on what the decision would be rather than a potentially difficult conversation. Turns out we were both really sure we wanted to be parents!
What was the biggest challenge during your partners pregnancy?
Sickness and dealing with hot weather! Molly’s pregnancy coincided with one of the hottest Summer’s ever which of course made things uncomfortable.
Molly experienced a lot of sickness, some routinely, some unexpected. The latter is more difficult to cope with because just like we discovered with babies, it can happen anytime, anywhere!
Any unexpected experiences while they were pregnant?
Holiday! We went away together over our anniversary and had a great few days in Bath and the west country, all whilst 8 months pregnant. I suppose I thought that this wasn’t going to be possible but it was such a quality time and that was great for both us.
What’s your best bit of advice to support your partner during pregnancy?
Be kind. Pregnancy isn’t easy, so be as helpful and encouraging as you can possibly be. It’s good training for parenting as your needs really don’t come first anymore so keep yourself in check with your spouse to make sure you’re doing the best job you can. By no means did I get this right all the time, but I wish someone had given me a bit of boot and told me this straight up at the start.
Describe your emotions and thoughts when Molly went into labour?
You can’t really compare it to anything else as it is the most phenomenal combination of feelings, all underpinned by joy.
There’s different feelings at different stages and differences between feelings towards Mum and baby in that situation.
Ultimately trust as much you possibly can in God (If that’s your thing) that no matter what happens, it’s going to be ok and again that the next hours are not about you whatsoever, it’s about welcoming a new life into the world and being with your spouse every step of the way.
Did it meet your expectations?
Practically, I suppose so, emotionally no. From our experience, I am so thankful that I live in a country where I get to contribute to funding a healthcare system full of public servants who’s soul aim is to see Mums and babies flourish.
My hopeful expectation was that this would be the case and it was! Molly couldn’t have wished for a better midwife and she felt cared for the whole time.
Emotionally, you can’t get close to the describing it really. Loads of parents said to me before it happened that being a parent is just the ‘best thing’ and straight away you get what they mean. By no coincidence or accident, there you both are seeing a product of God being brought into the world after 9 months of intricate growing and developing. The sudden rush of elation and sky-high happiness that follows is literally amazing.
How was the first couple of weeks at home on paternity leave?
Also the best thing. It was so great to be a part of transitioning into home life with Joey and Molls without the distraction of work. It meant that we could have quality time altogether, spending time with friends and family as they all doted over little Joe.
We were also very fortunate as our incredible community at church brought us round dinner each night for 3 weeks which was such a blessing as it meant more time concentrating on each other and less time in the kitchen. It’s a time full of firsts and it’s tough when it ends so get off your phone and cherish every moment of it as it flys by.
What are you views on the amount of time you could have off? Did you want more?
It would have been great to have more but for us it wouldn’t have been possible. Plus I think it’s good to have an element of routine and normality for what life will be like so you can make that adjustment, rather than postpone it for too long.
How has having a child impacted your relationship with your partner?
I was at a Christian festival in the summer in a seminar about relationships and they used an analogy of relationships needing to be like a train track; parallel lines moving forward in the same direction, not pulling off in different directions for whatever reason. That doesn’t mean you’re carbon copies of eachother but your values, beliefs, communication, action etc are working in tandom.
Having a child is like adding an extra line of track or a trailer to a tandom bike. You have to work together, through that and the deep joy of having brought a little life into the world your relationship organically deepens.
But, the world does not then revolve around your baby. If it does then your relationship falls second and you cannot parent as effectively because yo won’t be doing it as a a close team, singing from the same hymn sheet. It’s more difficult practically but do what you can do have dates, and quality time together, don’t think you have to leave the house and get a babysitter for that to happen.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s been moments of frustrations on all parts, it’s only natural, we’re humans experiencing the biggest life event, but those moments are far surpassed by the deeper level of closeness, companionship and shared joy.
What’s your main source of support now that you’re a father?
Where a lot of new families would rely closely on new grandparents we are different from that as we live 2 hours away from ours. However, despite the distance they are only a WhatsApp message/video call away and visit regularly which is great.
We are really fortunate in that we have some great selfless friends who live really close by so that is ideal really.
Through doing NCT Molly has made some quality friends in the same situation so that was well worth doing.
The toughest part so far of fatherhood?
Spinning plates. Matt said it really well in his blog on perspective. My default answer to this would be it’s really hard to maintain your performance at work and home with the addition of another life to sustain.
But really it’s just about adjusting and sometime that is harder or takes longer than you expect, but that is ok! The change of perspective means that work falls lower down the priority list and that is something to embrace. Your perspective on life shifts and that is a gift, not a limitation!
What are the best bits?
Smiles, cuddles, missile poos, funny bath noises, bouncy chair enthusiasm, sleep, sterilising bottles, fiddly car seats, recognising faces and coming home from work! It’s all great.
Now that you’re a parent and have experienced the first few months. What do you wish someone had told you before having your child?
Obviously we didn’t know everything there is to know and very much still don’t but, after 9 months of a lot of chat with people and each other all about babies, I feel like most stones had been unturned. I suppose maybe just that it goes really fast, I mean really fast!
One minute they’re sleeping all the time, next they’re in a bouncy chair, rolling over and sitting upright and you think, what happened to that tiny cherub that was only a forearm in length!
Lastly, explain what being a father means to you?
Big question. It is a total privilege. I’m a teacher, and I teach because I want generational cycles of low aspiration, low attainment and deprivation to reverse. If I think of parenting in the same way, being a Father means to show Joey that he is loved unconditionally by his Father God and by his parents and that he has been made for a unique purpose. If you have that deep level of assurance I believe that enables you to be the very best ‘you’ that you can be and consequently the world becomes a better place.
Wow! Such an honest and refreshing account of what being a first time father looks and feels like.
I’m so grateful for Josh’s insight and I hope it’s provided you with food for thought.
If you’ve got any questions for Josh please fire away in the comments section under the Instagram post and he’ll be happy to respond!
For now, enjoy the snow and have a great weekend!
Big love,
Matthew
Fearless Fathers 